EDIT MADE MAY 8, 2010 - I am going through different pages on the website and updating content for the first time in months. This blog however I will only update by adding below it the links to the sites and/or pages that I update and respond from with more frequency - then I read it and realized...it is still as true today as it was the day I wrote it originally in November 2009...so I didn't write a new blog for this page - just updated it with links...if you haven't read it yet - please do.

I don't usually do relationship blogs...I leave those to people like my homegirl Ashley Charisma that I think do it better. I stick to what I think I do best, that's politics and poetry (with a dash of NBA lol). I've always discussed my feelings on paper in poetry far better than I've ever managed to when speaking...lately though I don't think I am doing either medium any justice - with all the talking that I do for a living and beyond it's the things I mean to say that never get said that probably hold the most true.

I had a conversation with a woman not too long ago, she told me she dated a few Pisces women before and that what she had to learn most of all about us was that it's not that we're lying - when we say something we mean it in that moment, but our feelings change so fast that we might not mean it later...still we meant it very much when it was spoken. I think that is not only true of the things that I say, but also of the things that I feel and write (especially in the poems). I mean everything I said I did when I wrote it...only by the time it gets to you I am thousands of moments removed from it and I'm running on fumes trying to recreate it for you. Does that make sense to anyone else but me?

Ok so I can see where it makes it very difficult to trust me. Something I never had to confront until this year with the ex that is now like one of my best friends. He didn't understand me at all and when he tried it was very difficult to string moments together and see any thing clearly. It hurt at first because nothing is worse than when you actually try to explain yourself, reveal what you feel, etc and the person doesn't get it at all - and yet people you don't even try with do! But in time it became painfully obvious that he really didn't get me at all and it wasn't even because he wasn't trying...we just didn't work that way together. Still everything I ever wrote about him was true then...therefore to me still being true now though I don't mean them anymore. In other instances I have stretched poetic license and written about things that were not true in any moment for me - just because I can.

It's that duality that too adds to the apprehension. You constantly want to know which I meant and which I didn't and I have watched it on numerous occasions turn into a search for oneself within my spirit by attempting to over translate my every word.

But those that know me they also understand me, and when I'm talking to them - what makes me crazy, sexy, cool, whatever to you....is normal me. I'm a principled person, little things make a world of difference to me, there are things that I would never do and that list is motivated by a belief that you reap what you sow & God is watching, I have few gray areas but am so moody I often jump from black to white and it can be confusing at times, and with faith in me and what remains consistent - I'm good to you, I talk to you, I am honest about how I feel with you, I am willing to work with you - I can be learned if not instantly understood, but it can not happen without faith.

My husband had all the faith in the world in me and I often times didn't feel like I deserved it. Now I have learned that it was the most valuable thing that we had - the faith that the other one would always be there, that there were lines we would never cross, that anything could be fixed or worked out even if it looked impossible, that all we needed to figure anything out were each other on the same team even if not always on the same side. The ex that is the friend now never had any faith in me...now I can say definitively what I need to make something work.

I'm not going to always make sense to you because I don't always make sense to myself. I'm not going to be able to be the bigger person all of the time but I do not believe in kicking someone when they are down so I won't make you feel worse when things are already a mess. I'm not going to always want to be around - there will be times that I just need to be with me - it's not personal but it is necessary for my sanity. I'm not as complicated once you are looking from the inside out.

All this rambling had a point when I started??? Thought I was going to say something on my latest interest etc...but nah - those words will come together in time to him...these are the words I been meaning to say to myself & you got a front row seat...

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