Kept talking
hoping something I knew
would plant a seed
and stick inside of you
enough to go looking
where I'd been
at what I got a chance to see
and set fire to your notions
of what wasn't real
and make it your business
to make us bout the business
of being those that heal
cause I didn't want to
look like I was leading it
I know how misleading being
a leader can get
and I don't want the shots
ain't got a taste for the fame
just the change of the game
so I was trying to coach your souls
into setting some goals
then going back
to what I used to do
I wasn't volunteering
to speak for you
when I know your voices
work too
I was just saying
here I'd get you in the room
then you gotta do
what you do
I was all but begging
please don't make it me
what i'm doing
needs to be
but I can't be
the only one that see
not in the mist
of all these shouting
bout they know the
way to free
I wanted to just
work for..maybe be down
with the we
but bout that
being a voice of
leading or whatever
place you think I be
I was saying you do that
I was trying to empower you
cause I was saying
don't make it
be me

The puzzle is
thrown askew
everywhere
and nowhere
all at once
is it
are we
but in
the corners
of my mind
do small signs
shape the frame
of the bigger picture
we can't always see
so we know
where is too far
to go...just never
what's too deep
for right now
with nothing to
lay along side
to support it
are we shuffling
looking for
something to
make sense
even a little bit
a shift the still
to the position
of our visions
posture and poise
long enough
to look like
I got a handle
on a piece
of peace
of my mind

If ever the bottom falls out
and the walls feel like
they are falling down...
baby I'm here
just call my name
I was already
on my way

Just in case Plan B and C
don't pan out and
you don't know what you wanna do
never stand in fear
I'm here
before you knew
I knew
and knew
what to do

Maybe some dreams
didn't come true
baby that don't say nothin
bout you
bubbles burst all the time
we don't cry
tell lies
or not try

Pain will come
we humble ourselves
to the truth
and in the face
of all else...let lose
stand for something
always

Don't apologize
for being human
instead pray for
what they can be
prone to do
lay your plans
by whats best for you
and if anything should
happen to not go right
remember -
when all else fails
in your darkest moments
I always have a light

Call it an afinity
for that which comes
already chipped, dented,
and bruised
say I see something still
in what they are now
and what they used to be
not even intentionally
in the business of
saving souls
just noticed how
I had saved more loves
than had ever saved me
sat back and let it
sink in
around the time
he was creepin in
speakin then
never listenin
I stopped whisperin
something's missin
the pieces of him
left possessed by them
unable to regained
I remain
still in awe of
what saw fit to stay
giving allowances
for half-hearted ways
because fixing
is how I play
as night turns to day
seeing only what I want to
ignoring all the words spoken
loving and marveling
at how beautifully broken

The day was crazy
I wanted more than anything baby
to be laying in yours arms
let my guard down
without fear of
what I might say
and who might know bout it
come the next day...

I wanted to be
next to you
more than anything.

I wanna to be able to
call and at least hear your voice
even if never again..can I
lay next to you
like I want to...in this life

I wanna a way
to have you here
til I get there.

I pen prayers
I hope reach you
til the line opens up
and I can let it all go
to you...but for now
I understand that
ain't what
we can do...

but

damn baby...
today honey
I really needed
to lay down
next to you.

I sip small
swallows of
his spirit
letting it
seep deep
slowly
thru me
smile as
it slides
down and around
saturating me
he...is sweet
the bitter
salty but a bit
on the slant
of my own sauciness
balancing me solidly
as serenity
is his soul
in a soup with
my sweet dreams
moving me
toward safety
sounding like
angels singing
softly from skies
the look in his eyes
says swim freely
with the security
of my shores
they'll mold however
seems safest for she...
she being me
and my senses
liquid like he
shallow and shivering
but stimulating still
enough room to
just be me
spiritually

*inspired by Shadina Bettis - If You Still Love Me
http://www.facebook.com/shadina1
www.twitter.com/ShadinaSource

I can't say
I love you
or I ever did
like I used to
though I know
my voice says so
act like
you don't know
what I mean
you left me
you asked for out
of my team
so to speak
so please
that hurt enough...

I remember when
I was trying to
give in and
mold myself from
what I was
to what you
wanted to be with
only to be met
by raised voices
and cold comments
so I said
"you win -
but can I at least
till be your friend?"

Now you kinda
every now and then
smile when you talk bout
back then
when you didn't do
anything close before
and I found out
my soul wonders
does your heart
love me more
and was it your mind
that felt like
we ran out of time?
cause in your world
I remember...
I learned early that love
was a crime

still you left me
and I loved you enough
to let you go
say thank you for what
we had and helping me grow
now cause I accepted
what we were
I gotta act like I
don't know
like I
don't love you still
like it didn't
hurt like hell
that you left me

and choose the joy
of knowing your loyalty
over the pain
of what we couldn't be...

Noticed recently
how he keeps reminding me
that he was for certain
in love with me
ain't no doubt about that
it's just he didn't want to
live his life like that
so while I thought my
heart was broken
he keeps taking me
back with words
to where we began
again and again
having mercy on my soul
making love to my mind
holding still moments in time
letting me breathe
reflecting all he didn't
understand but still
found an angle from
which to see
so much that his
soul on me
can I feel
though these hands
I reach for aren't real
I know their somewhere
because me did they heal
when nothing else
touched me
did he
and he keeps
he seeps
into my sorrow
and seconds of self doubt
and reminds me
what the beauty of me
is all about
it was never
that who I am
he couldn't see
and in his love
he keeps taking me
back to the
best of me...

There's a part of me
that still smiles at
the sound of his voice
wondering why my knees
just went weak for a second
but come to expect it
when his name pops up
on the phone...

the same part that
still sees him in dreams
and wonders what he's doing
though I been praying
for him to have someone
that is everything
I'm not cause
he deserves to be happy...

the part where his laugh
brings peace to my soul
and to travel within his mind
is poetry in 3D
even when the images
don't reflect me
they be amazing
to look at
even more so feel...

it's the part that
loves the effect of him
though knowing the cause
is counterproductive
to the things you wish
for him and I let go...

it's the part that
still loves him
but a stronger part of me
won't let me say so.

Mercy cometh
to the weary
when all that can
be bared
is thought to be
history
not cause I say so
merely do I remind
by translation
of that which I
know from my
lifetime
to be true...

Faith feeds fortitude
and starves fear
until nothing can be
grown within your soil
but that of divinity
manifested in
the fruits of the labor
of the way of the world
baring the blessing
of something
far more esoteric
and not meant
to be grasped by
just any with hands
without work...

Grace
can't be stolen
borrowed or bought
only bestowed
upon those being
given the gift
of not being forsaken
despite their
short comings
and sightedness
proof that too
do they remain
in view...

Hallelujah
for constants
in storms and
the songs written
in the mist of 'em
speaking the
gospel of the soul
into existence
for when the present
ceases to be
and the past is
wondered were
the parables
put into proverbs
and preserved...

Peace be still
for you to find
study and take in
much like the Creator
unnecessary to define
simply is Greater
by design
and present
for the partaking
all the time

Ashe', Amen, Selah, Salaam

I know because
it is in the sound
of your voice
do my own breaths
pause to reset
and catch up
to the rhythm
of your attention
be it divided
misguided
or right
on point
it rise and falls
my chest
at the whim
of your next word
for those moments
until the words stop
and life support
consists of
a feeding tube
of memories
of you
this flesh
is kept alive
by this heart
buried beneath
and you
so easily
reach
each time
tickling the
backs of my knees
and it's crazy
trying to speak
with legs weak
head spinning
what is this
this feeling of
not losing
not swimming
not winning
just drifting
cloud nine like
maybe
or something
like that
that
separates you
from yourself
following a voice
that's there even if
you can't hear it
and gives way to love
by way of a
self-yielding spirit

Unable to compare
what this be like
to that of another
I simply say
I submit
not the same as quit
I just will
to your will
type thing
like
if this were war
than I'd be waving white flags
if it were six flags
my hands would be in air
letting the ride
take me
see?
minus the metaphor
and things that
poets do with words
do I
am I able
to say
this is it
you win
wasn't a battle
still you are the victor
and recipient
of the awards to bare
medals to wear
noble is this
justice
minus the metaphor
this be
divinity personified
in person
spirit to spirit
face to face
there be no worry
of what time will tell
in this space
simply the now
on repeat
this surrender
is sweet
this is love
not defeat

*written to Leona Lewis Happy (Imeem is gone

It be intuition
mixed with what I wanna do
a nice healthy dose of
it ain't gonna hurt as bad
as you think
heaping on top
with a dash
of what the fuck
served up
upside down
on a plate
of you know you wanna
with opportunity
providing the flatware
to scoop up the moment
and savor the flavor
of right now
even if the aftertaste
turns out to be a bit much
so long as you keep making moves
to get more
you'll never know
the taste of anything
but the sweetness
of the moves
I make
across you palate

It may make no sense
still in all I said so
and that's all you need know
and from that we can go
left or right
that's your choice
is this a disagreement
or is this a fight?
wage war for a purpose
or don't pull the trigger
I heard only the scared
shoot first
and I ain't nothing to fear
the way I figure
but I can be made to be
if looked at thru
the wrong lens
painted in false pretenses
does the battle plan commence
how can it not
when first you came at me?
if you ain't want it
you'd have found some roses
for the hue of the view
you chose to see...

I be waiting to go off
and talking myself down
from the position that I should -
while waiting for the pendulum
to swing back as it always does
tick tock
like a clock
hoping to not be made
to explode
I am in counting mode
waiting for you
to
see what time it is
and what you need to do

#lessonsinbratpiscesbabygirldum

If ever I knew
what it was like
to have a single
thought at a time
than it must have been
when I was a child
and I don't recall

instead

I know nothing but days
of my brain and my heart
never being
on the same page
or any train of thought
headed the same way
at the same time
being this embattled within
ought to be a crime

but

even in the lack
of moments of solace
am I able still
to find peace
in brief moments
in this place
the battlefield
of my mind
leaving bread crumbs
to where we came from
in every line

always

will I be at war
does it seem
with the woman I am
and the woman about whom
I continuously dream
she that never angers
is enticed by danger
or gets fascinated
with strangers

but

she too be me
and who I let you see
is the rough draft
of a work in progress
hoping with every good deed
are my sins counted less
against me
cause I know He know
who I could have
turned out to be

she

revels in the asshole
could care less what you think
and wish you would
make the mistake
to share a thought
that wasn't asked for
so she could
flood the doors
of the walls we built
when we said "no more"

she

means well
but too often has caused pain
so to keep from happening again
says everything she means
straight no chaser
and accepts why then
them straight shots
can be cause
to erase her
for your world

but this girl

learns no lessons
the easy way
on any day
and challenges
the status quo
early, often & always
just so you know

please

if you are considering
at all an army to join
be it the one that fights
into the night
for my sanity
and sustainable peace
or lay down your weapon
and just cease

I (me, she, her too)

won't fight you
over and over
again and again
cause I'm already tired
after the daily battle
of the war
within

Pardon me
might I have a moment?
Mr. Aloof
to bring light
to that which
you seem
unable to see?
I ain't knockin that
you dig her
and you dig me
thing is though
I know who I be
and she
(me)
ain't a sideline
wait while you figure it out
type chic
no matter how
bright the future that could be
might be in what I see
so if truly
you see not where
the lack of lines drawn
are cause for
coloring outside
the lines of my time
at this stage in my life
but I ain't built
for nothing but being a wife -
anything less
leads to a lot of mess
that I don't need
I got enough stress
and it ain't in my nature
to press
I just refuse to digress
who I am is this woman
this life I offer
isn't the only one
that you could have
but is if you want it with me
and time is running out
for you to be evaluating
and see
this is my page
either stand beside me
on this stage
or exit to the right
thank you
cause I've done
all that I can do
standing firm on
will give no more
until I begin to get
some reciprocation
in return
for my dedication
to this that is
our time
what you up to
ain't a crime
just has no scheme
that fits the rhythm
of my rhyme
so...what will it be?
you either gonna get it right
or you gonna be excused
from the company of me
would say sorry
but that's the way
these things be
there be no gray areas
to navigate in this
and if I have to let you go
trust - you will be missed
while preserved
in the memory of our last kiss
however long ago it shall
turn out to be
but baby
I don't ride benches
waiting to get in games
I start or I trade teams
perhaps -
you should ask a friend
about me?

We spoke the King's English
to talk to everyone but
each other
instead we...

we apologized
in little blue boxes
over breakfast
cutting silence like glass
with diamonds that sparkle
and make me look like
we are perfect

putting on heirs
of the emotional kind
like we even knew what
whole
looked like...

tears shed only
in the mist
of Oscar worthy performance
blow ups where no one can see
do we hug
cry together
and never for too long
so not to smudge the make-up
do we embrace

not us
we speak, live, breathe
wasp
buzzing around busy
as if anything
were more important
than the other
so not to have to
feel for the other
on our sleeves -
might stain
pain

no
no
no

rather we
send texts and emails
about love
and never say so
assuming is easier
that the last trip to
Saks said so
in case the silence
cut by the swiping
of limitless plastic
got lost in translation

this is who we are

we shop for the finest shoes,
clothes, jewels, and appliances
without a word to the wise spoken
they come in cards...

this is who we are

we drink together and
sit watching to see
who swallowed their troubles
first
but dare not up chuck
accidently
and say what's being
pushed back down
deep within...

this is who we are

we play Scrabble
only to prove
we know the words
we never say
more than just well

this is who we are

always ready to sting
never ready to settle
the only sound
the hissing of furiously fluttering
wings while we
walk around this house
wasping
until the time is up
on this visit

until
it's time
to do it all
again

He'd know I was
about more principles
than morals as defined by
the world we live in
because they got lost
in translation of
doctrines and democracies
and as much as I love
to argue policies
right and wrong
have goal posts
in the field of my
perception
that leaves room for
some sideways antics
but only so much
before
you are considered
out of bounds
and out of the game
if missed enough
when it matters most
and what's on the line
is a reason that
is being fought for
to prove
is more than a season
though the time passing
is kept by the clock
every second is a new
2 minute drill
waiting to see if
your passion can
compete with your will
and every point matters
the game lasting as long
as you live
and find yourself
as apt to forgive
as you expect of others
mercy in my arms
this peace
shouldn't set off alarms
because you prayed
for this peace
to be still
but surely you know
it can't
but baby
I will
if really
were you ready
to kiss goodbye
the who's, what's, and why
and give faith
a try
otherwise
I've wasted fare
getting here
standing as your answer
and you can't even
see me clear
blocked and jaded
by fear
of what is unknown about
the future
as if you'll ever know
as you skepticism
waves goodbye
and reluctantly
the hope is made
to let go

Remember like yesterday the first time ever I saw you smile,
have made a mental recording of the sound of your laugh.
Laid bricks to a foundation for a home that may take a while,
thought honestly that by now you'd see the math.

Willingly add to what I brought to the table,
see how these dreams of mine carried all yours in tow.
Always thought you'd come to me when you were able,
but these days I just don't know.

Wrote you the words I couldn't find the nerve to say,
watched while you read them and said you understood.
The only real third party to this be the part you play,
that leaves me wondering always "what's really good?"

Uneasy feeling now like this waiting is in vain,
and about how bright this future could be must I think again.

I'd be arrogant in the eyes of most
if I internalized the love
like I do the criticism
and said I was an angel
cast down from heaven
cause even in my formation
I made the mistake of thinking
as opposed to complete submission
sent to see what it's like
to really have sins to forgive
since I was the one
acting like I really knew
what it was to live
second guessing eternity
and taking advantage of timeless
like it's not a gift

I'd be called crazy
if I bought into the hoopla
that what I do with words
whether they be written or spoken
is divinity in motion
feeding souls what is missed
between heaven and earth
and it's in the lives I've touched
not created that I find my worth
cause this is greater than
the enlightened continuation
of all that I see or be

I'd be all kinds of bitches
if I put on blast all the chics
that my very presence gave birth
to the existence insecurities
when really I came along
with my own little world
and what's in theirs I can't see
thing was the light
made it impossible
to not see me

I'd be lacking humility
if I went ahead and embraced
that beyond a shadow of a doubt
He is by choice
for purposes unknown to you
using me

but He just might be

Yesterday I was trying to show love - effortlesslY
Ever so nice was it...me singing praises to hE
As if I wasn't who I was until he noticed my personA
Happily sharing accolades but then that got tougH

What a surprise to learn he didn't see what he said he saW
Hurt a little but but I masked the pain in an out of place cougH
Acting like I lost my breath from something's aromA
Though really I wanted to say what I really thoughT
Everything in me said "wait your day will comE"
Verily will what is to come cut like a shiV
Ending all doubt about where the mold ended when madE
Right before your eyes but only afteR...

More time passes and the mission gains momentuM
React not now because the lesson is in the next chapteR

Not claiming to be right
still it remains true
long as my daddy is breathing
there ain't nothing I could ever
need from you
not a test of your manhood
just the way it is
this bond goes deeper
than your dick
and the words you spit
you think are slick
my daddy REALLY loves me
while you get off
thinking you sound grown up
saying that you do
and ain't got the first clue
think sacrifice is counted
in a few less nights out spent
when it's about
what you meant
not what you did
cause your company
is no pleasure when really
you'd still rather be absent
but are trying to act like
you'd never cause me pain
but when I say I don't need you
then you the one hurt again?
I don't get it
but I go for it
why not?
I mean you did indulge
my real sorrow
for a little bit
right?

I've attempted
over the course of
25 years
on countless pages
inked in innumerable tears
never shed from my eyes
to lay down in between these pages
a handbook to go along with
what comes along with this gift
that I call my craft
and what I can do with it
and your heart
if given some room to play
a part
in time
by my design
you may never understand
who or what I be
still you'll
be thankful you met me
and I...

I will thank God
that He made you
and recreate His image
of Himself in you
in ways that only I can do
as He works wonders
thru my pen
and I am bestowed with the power
to single handedly immortalize
mere men
like forever isn't a concept
defying the idea that
nothing that walks this earth
ever does so endlessly
but I know that
to not be...

though there be
no formula to my madness
remember there was none
to His mercy
laid over the least suspected
while seemingly missing
over those thought to be
most protected
these words do just that
for the souls of the broken
lost and thrown away
and there's no formula
my God just made me
this way

Perhaps it's the stench
of this disingenuous display
of me on my best behavior
that's got you back-stepping
knowing like I do
neither one of us
is being all the way honest
though still we
tell no lies
it's in both our eyes
you know like I know
this ain't me...

What I be offering
is everything I'm capable of
and nothing that I do now
so it looks suspect
to the observant eye
but does that mean I can't?
or wouldn't if I wanted to?
yeah you right about one thing
the woman I turned into
when you came along
this ain't me...

She swallows insults
happily because they come
inside out with smiles
and promises of prayers said
misleading in the notion
that blessings could come
to follow when really
who you see in your dreams
that ain't me...

I am what I am
some of what you heard
all of what I ever said
and then some
mixed with
whatever I wake up
feeling like tomorrow
no matter what
always willing to
bare your burden
and swallow my own sorrow
to lighten your burden
but to be it
that ain't me...

You try so hard
to be polite
that I almost wanna fight
wanna scream and yell all night
just to see if
anything I ever say
can find a way
to reach the things you feel
and then I can
when it's safe
be all the way real
but until all of you
can I see
know that
this
ain't me...

This is the preview
to what could submit to you
but submits to nothing
but the Maker until
proof that it's reciprocated
is shown to be true
so think not of her
as my representative
cause all these angles you met
they were but pieces of what I be
and just keep in mind while
we do this
that all you see now
well
this ain't all of
me.